She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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