my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
