i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
