I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My ATM looks so different sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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