got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
