I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
