Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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