u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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