i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
