if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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