you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
