I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
