So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
