we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
