I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
