Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
