Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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