her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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