There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
