I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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