I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
