once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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