You just made me feel so damn special
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize