And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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