Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
