dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
