My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
