Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
