He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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