there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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