If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
this is an emotional support booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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