If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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