Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
