do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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