Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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