Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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