i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
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The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
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