Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
