How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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