Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
