My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
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those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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