Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
