Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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