I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she woke up with a sticky ear
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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