where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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