I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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