i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
