Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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