I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
