I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
