She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
