why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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