How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
