You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
