What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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