i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
