I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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