Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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