so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
