You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
